kill the urge to be chosen
The most brilliant are lost to the disease of unrequited love.
Practically every day, I’m seeing the same sort of thing. It’s on TikTok, Instagram, Substack, in conversations of people I walk by, and even in some of mine. There’s an underlying consistency of poems and art pieces, music, and some of the most beautiful moving pieces of advice ever given, and they all follow the same matter in question.
Love is a driving factor, as many would put it. An object is idle until a factor to put it in motion. We’re all chasing it, let’s be honest. We’re chasing understanding, or intimacy, or maybe just warmth. We crave warmth, like cavemen before heating, so much so, we’re ready to be bleeding. And though I find it to be fine on its own, I have a bone to pick with the romantics.
Some of my favourite people in the world are the romantics, the rose-tinted love-optimists, the children of Aphrodite. The girls with a new boyfriend, new crush, new ‘situationship’ always on standby. Trust me, I get it. I’ve been there before, and sometimes, I still feel myself being dragged back to its shore.
The root cause of our hopeless romantics is passion. The strongest of the emotions, the unwavering desire and interest for something. And when I say romantics, I don’t mean that they pop from the womb knowing they’re about to be rom-com, Edward and Bella, quality. Love is a funny thing, because it turns ordinary people into crazies.
It’s a drug, an all-consuming presence. For my poetry fans (or anyone on Substack for long enough), how many analogies and allegories have you read that are about how all-consuming, mind-numbing, heart-stopping—I digress.
My point is, I’ve seen it infect all sorts. I’ve seen people leave their families, move countries, drop opportunities, all in the name of love.
Have you ever seen the movie The Devil Wears Prada? Great movie. [Spoilers:] Andy, our protagonist, lands a job as an assistant to the movie equivalent of Vogue editor-in-chief, Anna Wintour. At first, Andy struggles; she is not-so-chic, barely making it with all her boss’s outlandish demands. And her boyfriend is supportive-ish, but every time she swears she’ll quit, he celebrates.
And once she’s finally adjusted to her job, the world of fashion, and the life of someone who prays to the magazine, her boyfriend swears she’s changed for the worse. They’re having relationship problems all because of her job. And at the end of the movie, guess what Andy leaves? It’s not her dumb boyfriend, I’ll tell you that.
She gives up the opportunity, the one-in-a-million chance, instead of realizing her affections are wasted on her boyfriend, who barely has any substance. But the purpose of all of this isn’t to convince you to leave your man.
My bane is all of you self-proclaimed ‘yearners’. The painters, the poets, the musicians, the writers who are so haunted by the love you once had, or specifically, the ‘ordinary people’ who make art based on their heartbreaks. If anyone has heard of one artist, sombr, or seen his work on TikTok, please tell me you understand.
“I don’t want the children of another man to have the eyes of the girl I won’t forget.”
For the love of all that is—Genuinely, someone please check in on this man.
As lovely as all the heartbreak music, yearning posts on Substack, and devastating art I’ve been seeing are, it makes me wonder if we understand what unrequited love is. Often, I pick on religion for being cult-like and psychotic, but I think our romantics might be worse.
Truthfully, I’m just tired of seeing all the art we come up with being related to heartache. It is so devastating to watch you pour out all your passion and soul for someone who’ll claim it as a mess on the ground.
Objects idle are idle till a force moves them, but objects in motion are also in motion until a force stops them. And honestly, a lot of you were always in motion, even before your devotions.
I see too many people give and give only to never see the fruition of their emotions. Is love a transaction? Debatable. But if you pour out all that you own on the ground, just to watch its evaporation, I’m going to assume that you had some misinterpretation. Unfortunately, people aren’t things that you can acquire just because you put effort into them. We’re complex, and completely halting your life in the pursuit of someone is always a bad prospect.
Your ‘yearning’ is never going to work. Not because of a lack of effort on your part, but a lack of self-respect. Unfortunately, I think we’ve fed ourselves too many rom-coms and Disney fairytales. Love is mutual, ‘pinning’ is just an overgrowth of imagination and creativity. I promise you, there are more constructive uses of time than chasing after something that’s barely existing.
Passion is the unwavering desire and interest in something, not just someone. All this ‘pinning’, ‘yearning’, hoping and waiting for someone comes from passion. But we often forget that life is wider than the driving and halting force of love. You aren’t a victim of heartache when you refuse to move on, you’re an addict with a dangerous imagination.
Here’s a solution for you: put the imagination somewhere else. Create art, paint, make music, dance, write, pick up a camera. Being so delusional requires creativity, so I know you’re not lacking it. You just need redirection, we all do at times. And you’re not lacking will, because you had enough will to love someone, now love your craft the same.
The most brilliant of us are being lost to the disease of unrequited love. It worries me that we’re so consumed by acquiring the affections of others, we forget to create, to make meaningful things. Besides, self-exploration comes not from attaching your entire meaning to a person. Who are you when no one loves you?
Honestly, it pains me when I see the most brilliant people throw everything away in the name of love. Devotion might be sweet, but you’re sense of self is more important than it. In my humble opinion, Andy shouldn’t have thrown away her opportunity, and neither should you.
Does this all mean to never love again? No. Love is worth energy, and it is worth trial and error. But no one is worth losing your mind over. No one should consume your sense of self. Embrace yourself, create meaningful things, whatever they might be—There’ll be someone out there who loves you for it, without you having to chase after them. And as said by Sza: kill the urge to be chosen, choose yourself.
Thank you for all the support!
It’s been a little longer than usual, I realize. I think I’ve scraped a lot more than I’ve written over the last week, but that’s just the process sometimes. I’m still messing around with format and what works best for me.
Loads of love,
Jas.